I Will Never Pursue You

I cannot remember how many times I have read this post over and over again.
Simple words used yet perfectly arranged to pierce every single wants of my heart. Tonight, I was playing I Almost Do by Taylor Swift and it’s about a girl wanting to try it again with him, wanting to correct what went wrong and wanting to fall back into his arms again, almost.

“I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can’t say “Hello” to you and risk another goodbye”

“And I just wanna tell you it takes everything in me not to call you…”

“And I wish I could run to you & I hope you know that everytime I don’t,

I almost do… ”

But just like the girl in the song, I too, is holding everything in me. I MUST NOT PURSUE HIM EVEN MY WHOLE BEING SCREAMS THAT I SHOULD JUST MESSAGE HIM A FRIENDLY NOTE.

I know myself. I know my heart. I know that from that seemingly harmless message I am putting my emotions and heart in exposure. It’s not the same as before. It is not as clean as before. Now, my heart flutters and I know I can do things to make it like that. But that;s the point, I am orchestrating this, I am making the move when it should be him. And i know he will not because we are just friends. Right now, all I know is I must wait and be still. I must not make control things and make it seems natural when in reality it is not.

ARABY

Maybe I’m beginning to like you a lot,
but I will never pursue you.
 
 
Around me, I’m tempted by all these pawns
calling me to use them,
looking me in the eye, saying
maybe you and I can ”accidentally” bump into each other in a coffee shop;
maybe we can schedule “friendly dates” with a bunch of conniving friends;
maybe I can start “innocent” topics with you over that gleaming chat box,
ask you things that no one would brand as bad,
I can even send you “wrong sends.”
But even this early, I realized
that albeit pawns are the most numerous pieces in a game,
at the end of the day,
they are but
the weakest.

 first-line-pawn--large-msg-1133112801-2
 


Don’t get me wrong -
I want to be with you.
Just to get to know you more,
I am ready to manipulate
so many things -
things…

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