When you’re used in how things are, a little change will unsettle you. Especially when you are like me. I notice things. I notice the little things. I notice the way you change your tone; the way your eyes move; the way you talk to others; the way you laugh; the way you doesn’t “seem” to care to me anymore.
I notice how the frequency of our talks started to decrease. I notice that you do not want to talk to me after your long day. I noticed that you do not want to meet up in an unexpected hours and place. I notice that you do not surprise me anymore with your extra miles. I noticed that we do not talk the way we used to – the deep heart to heart one. I noticed that your don’t ask how my day was now. I noticed how we only talk over petty stuff now. I notice that we only tag each other over random whatnots and do not talk what’s in his heart or mine.
I noticed that you’re not fond of me anymore. I noticed the changes. And you what hurts?
I cannot do anything about it and I will not.
Why will you not? Who am I to say that you cannot do all those things? Who am I to say that you cannot change the way things were? We are only friends after all. Just friends do not long for that kind of special attention. You do not owe me an explanation. You can do that even it hurts me.
It hurts me because you carelessly stirred my heart and I allowed you.
It hurts because I thought my little game won’t burn me.
I was wrong.
Do not get me wrong. I am not in love with you. Yet. And maybe this is what the Lord wants. He does not me and you to fall in to that sweet poison of false pretence that two people can be super close without stirring up something inside them. Well, as far as this case is concerned, without stirring up something inside me.
My cousin told me that boys are not aware that their deeds can stir up a woman’s heart and it’s on me to put on the breaks. I know what I must do but every time you say and tell me that we have to meet or talk, those breaks are put on hold. It is like trying to dip a little bit of my toes on that burning coal praying and hoping that it won’t burn me.
You made me feel special and I know I am special to you. I am sorry for expecting something from you. I am sorry for clinging on to your words. I am sorry for using that to make you closer to me.
I am sorry for using this relationship,our closeness, yours and my vulnerability, as an edge that made me think that you could be closer to me, that eventually you will make me your constant. I am sorry.
I am not your constant and I think never will I be and so are you. I am sorry for thinking and placing you that medal that you are constant. You’re not and you won’t.
I am sorry for believing in you. I know that people will disappoint me and I excluded you from that but I was wrong. I though that even you disappointed me you will notice and talk to me. But I was wrong. You didn’t and I totally understand. It’s not on you. It’s on me.
I know what I must do. I really know but I’m still waiting and hoping that the usual you will be back. The usual you who I came to know. The sweet you.
But how long will I wait?
Is there something to wait?
I know your heart is not mine.
I asked myself what is it that I really want and I answered, “Yung katulad noon dati, yung andyan siya lagi. Yung nagsasabi siya sa akin.”
The longer I wait that it will be back; the cut becomes deeper.
Just like what my discipler has said,”Wala kang hinihintay. Just continue on your daily life.”
I am thinking where have I gone wrong. It’s like the same formula over and over again. Somebody will become close to me, I will invest then he will change and be gone. Leaving me in that state of indifference.
Am I really that fragile? Am I always blinded when feelings overcome me? Can I not really think what must I do when I am in the middle of quicksand?
All these questions yet one thing I know is sure, the Lord does not want me to pursue you.
I will not pursue you.
Not because I do not like you but because it’s not my part.
My part is to be so hidden and be joyful to the Lord until the time that He allows someone, it could be you, to pursue me to bring glory to His name.